So maybe that’s not the greatest and most appropriate blog title but its what feels intuitively right.
Today is the 27th of December. Just after Christmas & Boxing Day. I’ve had an amazing year. I have what so many could and would dream about in life. I am truly blessed.
Christmas was amazing. My little boy had a full day of fun and laughter and presents and without a doubt had one of the best days of his life! He didn’t even sneak in a nap! It was jam packed full of love, just the way Christmas should be. Everyone else had just as much fun. Great food, drinks, company, music (debatable by some, since I played DJ so it was just a mix of The Beatles, Eric Clapton, Dave Grusin and Joe Sample), and generally just a good day was had by everyone.
This year, Christmas did creep up again. Once upon a time I used to get so excited about it. I guess I am reminiscing of times when I was way younger and Christmas held so much more magic. I can’t wait until my little boy starts getting interested and understanding the concept of Santa Claus. That is when the magic will sparkle again!
So Christmas crept. It was a slow mover, yet it was done and dusted so fast. It all seems so empty and vague in recent years though. Since dad died in 2013, Christmas is just a fucking bore really. I hate to be all grinchy and shit, but without someone who was literally the life and centre of the party at all family things… Its just not the same. Its still a really meaningful and happy occasion… but its just all rather dull. Life can be rather dull when you are missing one of the main parties. Dad left a massive whole when he left our world.
So anyhow thank god I have my little kiddo. He honestly does make the world go round! He makes everything sparkle. Like all parents… I literally would do anything for him.
Life is ever changing. Every day I come to this realisation even more so. I am feeling more and more energetic shifts slowly taking place. I feel the urge and the pull to do more and fly free from all the little things that hold me back. And its only since becoming a mother and feeling such unparalleled loss from losing my dad, that these shifts are becoming apparent. I have so many new energies opening up within me that I am amazed myself. The things that are around the corner are going to be beautiful and my soul transformation has only just begun.
At the moment, as I am in the midst of this cosmic shift. I am feeling lost and slightly pained. I feel like I want to sit down and cry… and I don’t know if this is because I am mourning the loss of what I once was, and what I thought I would be? I never imagined I would be a mother. I never imagined I would not have my father by my side at all times. I now have been faced with gross immortality or mortality (however it should be penned) and I have been blessed with the most important thing I will ever do in life… care for my own child. These two things alone, have shaped me into a COMPLETELY different person to who I was 4 years ago. So is that why I feel so sad? Do I feel like I’ve let my old self down by becoming a new and transformed version of me? I have no idea to be honest… but something at the moment just feel all messed up. Something isn’t sitting quite right. I’m in the middle of shift and I’m just riding this wave. Everything is changing. My feelings on EVERYTHING! Its a scary thought.
All I know though is that I am strong, I am whole and I trust me.
I didn’t used to trust me. I used to question myself. Well… Over the last 15 or so years I have grown and evolved and through pain, heartache, loss, laughter, happiness, tears and a shit load of serious contemplating life and what my life should or shouldn’t be (usually this contemplating was accompanied with bottles of vodka)… I have realised that I don’t trust anyone but myself. My gut has been right every single time, and I have doubted it. My intuition has tried to guide me so many times and I have not wanted to listen.
Well now I listen. I have learned. Over and over I have learned. That little voice inside your head… If its screaming at you to change something or pay attention to something. DO IT!
So I am just going to take note of the little weird place that I sit at the moment. The little limbo area of my cosmic shift. Soon the meaning will show itself.
Hope you all had a Merry Christmas guys. xxx